Screaming at a Wall
I caved. Now that I have a measurable income and anticipate having to interact with my bank on a regular basis, I knew I wouldn't be able to keep up my opposition. All of my stubborn contempt for the unnatural boundaries within a single organization would not change the fact that I have a California account, but live in Washington. At least the new account doesn't have service fees. And I'll get a check card with my picture on it.
It's very telling that the whole time one of the tellers was explaining the account features and fielding my questions I kept looking for the things he was hiding. I wanted to know the catch. Banks used to be reputable institutions. Dependable. Trustworthy. Now it seems like all the big banks have terrorized their customers so profusely that we expect the very worst from them most of the time.
Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you.